Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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