A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize