Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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