the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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