so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize