After last night, I could never be a politician.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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