i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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