I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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