In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
