He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
