Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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