I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
