I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
