dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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