I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
