loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
