Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
