rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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