It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
