I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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