The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
