I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
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