Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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