Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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