I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
