I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
