ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Your cock deserves a montage
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
