The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
