I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
