saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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