Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Randomize
