You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
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He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
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I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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