allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Randomize
