I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
