I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
