there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
