I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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