I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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