Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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