Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
being pregnant is like rehab
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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