Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
