ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
