Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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