I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
