i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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