Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
