i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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