Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize