Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
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Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
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Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
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