Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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