The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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