everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
