If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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