remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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