Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
