That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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