is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
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this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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